The Grand Pep Talk

Calm

So, ever since I wrote that last post, it’s been bugging me that I may have come across as not being able to love myself solely because of my size.  As if I would love myself more if I was thinner.  Well, I’d be more comfortable in my skin, but it doesn’t mean that’s what it would take to make me love myself.  I  hope that’s clear now.

Also, I’ve decided I’m done telling this story, and it’s time to move on to the reinventing part.  I want to stop worrying about how I got here, stop identifying with the conditions that have been named a part of me, and focus on just getting better – in every sense of the word.

I’ve decided to rise.  You know what made that click for me?

The Grand Pep Talk by Danielle LaPorte, which I’m about to share with you here.  I read this thing and sat back in my chair and said, “Oh.”  I printed it out, and I read it every morning when I sit down at my desk.

It’s time to move on with my messed up self.  Smiley face emoticon!

Warning, there’s some f-bombs in it.

the grand pep talk: decide to rise (refer to this when in doubt, or sick & tired.)

I’m all for mental health days. And gentleness. And I think the world should take the month of December off. And for the love of God, a 4 day work week would revolutionize the collective human spirit and thusly, healthcare. But this pep talk isn’t about taking it easy, this is about another form of self care: doing whatever it takes.

Just got dumped? Lace up your runners and move your body.

Under the weather? Go in to work any way, wearing your favorite sweater.

Up to your earrings in deadlines? Go cheer on your friend. Show up at the bake sale. Call your mother.

Crying before show time? Put some tea bags on your eyes. Say a prayer. Enter stage left.

Push. Turn up the volume. Go hard. Go harder. Re-prioritize your aches and pains. Infuse your sensitivities with courage. Tell fear to fuck right the fuck off. Devote to Done.

There are soul-justified reasons to cancel. There are times to just stop. This isn’t one of them. Keep going. Show up. Full on. Full tilt. Full out.
Decide to be one of those people who pull it off.
Do what you say you’re going to do.
Don’t let us down.
Decide to rise.

Why decide to rise? Not for the reasons you might think. In fact, these are the reasons that will make you sick and tired:

Do not rise out of obligation. Do not rise because of feared consequences. Do not rise because you think being tough makes you smarter (it doesn’t.)
Decide to rise because you want to expand…your being, your life, your possibilities.
Decide to rise because super powers are meant to be activated and applied in everyday life.
Decide to rise to explore your place in the universe.

On the other side of deciding to rise is illumination, ecstasy, insight.

And the angel of your strength is there waiting, smiling, applauding, with a goblet of endorphins for you. Drink up.

When you transcend circumstances you get special privileges. You get evidence that you are indeed amazing, and irrefutable proof that what your heart and mind choose is what matters. And you get the deep knowing that life wants you to win.

Decide to rise.

Lean in. Listen up. Closely.
It’s your soul speaking and she says,
Get UP! I need you. I want you. I am you. Choose me.
Lean in. Listen up. Closely.

Decide to rise.

**The story here will continue, but it will be about going forward, instead of going backwards.** xoxo, Bea

I hope you find love everywhere.

Valentine

One of my little buddies, Scott, made me the sweetest Valentine.  As I promptly hung it up on my fridge in his presence, my mind lingered over the words “I hope you find love everywhere”. 

And they’ve been playing over in my mind ever since.  I urgently think, “I DO find love everywhere!” and then as quickly as I can I name things I love:  My husband!  My friends!  My dog!  My home!  My freedom!  My, my….and then even though it crosses my mind, I can never say….myself.

In the past year and a half I’ve really worked on that.  And yet, I still can’t do it.  I mean, there are things about myself I LIKE, but I prefer to diminish those things and instead find the love in others because that’s so gosh-darn easy.  It’s easy to quickly identify what I love in people around me.  Heck, I can do it with complete strangers – I find myself exclaiming, “I love your….” and then complimenting them right away.  That gives me a boost.  To see someone light up, recognize that there is something about themselves to love (even if it’s for the moment a cute scarf they’re wearing), is priceless to me.  But, I can’t bring myself to love anything about myself.

It’s been especially hard lately because ever since I’ve been on my antidepressant I have gained SO much weight.  And it seems like it’s been overnight and I’m super uncomfortable in my own skin.  The thing that especially kills me about it is that I haven’t really EATEN to justify this kind of weight gain.  I mean, I have periods where my appetite is stronger than other times, but with my Type 2 diabetes, I don’t sit around eating pints of ice cream and bags of cookies.  In fact, in a lot of ways I eat TONS better than I did before I was diagnosed – and I’m way heavier.

So it is hard to look in the mirror, see my clothes fitting tighter, the extra extra double chin, the fat and say, “hey, I love you.”

But, I’m working on it.  Like I said,  it’s easier for me to give that love to others.  I know it’s easier to give when you have love for  yourself – kind of like the analogy of putting your oxygen mask on first before helping someone else as the plane is going down.  I KNOW this, but I struggle.

If you’re reading this, please know I’m not having a pity party over here, I’m just expressing my thoughts on this road I’m traveling.  I’m certainly not fishing for compliments, or anything of that nature.  I’m just sharing my struggle – a struggle that I’m sure all of us face at one time or another.

While I’m continuing to figure it out, I’ll continue to find love everywhere….else.  Thanks, Scott.  YOU, I love!  xoxo